I Never Told You
by blu3crush
Summary: A/U. Post Goodbye and Good Luck. Five years after Sara left Las Vegas; she comes back and leaves their girl, Abigail, on Grissom's porch. Then, she goes missing. Through her journal, Grissom learns about Sara's life in the past few years and regrets his actions. All Grissom wants to do now is to find Sara back. Could he find her? Eventual GSR. WIP.
1. A Letter, Again

**I Never Told You.**

CHAPTER 1: A Letter, again.

Yes, it's me again, with another fiction. It will be a multi-chapter fiction.

If you want more, just holler in the comment box down below.

This happened 5 years after Goodbye and Good luck. It's AU as I have set it to be Grissom had never left his job and never chased after Sara.

I promised eventual GSR. I love them but I also like to throw them into pure angst situation.

Sit back and relax. *Send virtual popcorn.*

* * *

_Gil, _

_I think by now when you're reading this letter, you would have figure it out that the little girl standing in front of you is your daughter. She looks just like you. Did you notice her eyes? They take after you. They were as blue as yours were. She also had that slight cleft in her chin. Her name is Abigail Grissom. I had given her your last name; I hope you do not mind. _

_I did not know that I was pregnant when I leave Las Vegas. I was so lost with all the ghosts haunting me. I did not even notice my late periods. My periods were irregular. I only found out that I was pregnant when I just reached San Francisco International Airport. I could not get up from the seat as I was suffering from severe cramp. The next moment was the thick iron smell that filled my nose. I was bleeding in between my legs. _

_My doctor told me that I was very lucky that Abigail survived. They hooked me up to the machine and I heard how faint her heartbeat was. Suddenly, I regretted neglecting my health. I stopped eating and sleeping. I only ate when I was with you and when you were asleep; I shoved two fingers down my throat to induce puking. I can't stand food in my body. I only slept when exhaustion overtook me but I woke up immediately screaming. I dreamt that I still under that mustang and Natalie stood there watching me to drown. Then I was afraid of sleeping. I took sleeping pills when I was with you. I was so afraid that you would just dump me because I was broken._

_You didn't but I shut myself away. I readily agreed when you proposed. It was my last desperate attempt to feel alive again. That day, after shift, we made love under the stars. I didn't feel alive. I felt dead. Seemed that I had died that night when Natalie kidnapped me and placed me in the desert under that red mustang. _

_I left Vegas because I am sick with death constantly shoving right in front of my face. I left Vegas because I could not stand Hannah West's taunting. I left Vegas because I am afraid of self-destructions. _

_I am sorry that I could not fly back to Vegas when Warrick died. I really am. I wanted to fly back as soon as possible when I saw the news on TV but I couldn't. I was ordered to strict bed rest. My doctor told me that Abigail was unstable and I might miscarry any moment. Thus, I chose to be heartless and rejected your pleads of asking me to return to Vegas. _

_You stopped contacting me and I didn't have the courage to contact you again. _

_Abigail arrived in this world late at night. She was so small. She was slightly less than 4 pounds when I delivered her. When she did not wail, I was so scared. I thought she had died in my inept womb. I was relief when she cried loudly when the doctor slapped her buttock. She was placed in my arms shortly after that. But, before I could count her fingers and toes, she was taken away from me. She was placed in the incubator for a few weeks. _

_She was only discharged when she gained the required weight._

_I had wanted to bring her to you when we were both healthy enough to travel. _

_We came back to Vegas and wanted to surprise you and wish for your forgiveness. We swung by the lab when we could not catch you at home. I saw you driving away from the lab and I followed you. You were driving to Lady Heather's house. I recognized the route. I followed you there once you received the second miniature._

_The sight of you kissing her, and she caressing the small of your back broke my heart. _

_I snapped. I was angry. I didn't want to believe that you moved on so fast. Then I realized that Lady Heather had always been more than a friend to you. You turned to her whenever something or someone bothered you. _

_You turned to her when I left. I was always the obstacle between Lady Heather and you. _

_It was then that I decided I could raise Abigail alone. I could give her the love of a Mother and Father. _

_I didn't need you. _

_But, I was wrong, so very wrong. _

_I needed you. _

_I needed you to take care of her. _

_I needed you to love her. _

_I needed you to accept her. _

_I am sorry for being selfish and keeping her away for these years. I am sorry for thrusting her to your care. I am sorry for disrupting your life. _

_I had to do this, entrusting her in your care. _

_Please don't reject her because she's part of me. She is innocent._

_Please, I beg you. Please take her in and accept her in your life. _

_If you really need a confirmation that if she is your daughter, you could run a paternity test. _

_I took the liberty to enclose her birth certificate, passport and medical records in a white envelope. They were in her bag. _

_Please, Gil, please don't reject her. _

_Sara._

After reading the letter, Grissom could only stared the little girl standing in front of her. He took in every features of her face and he knew that he did not need a paternity test.

He knew that she is his daughter.

"Griss?" Heather called. "Is everything all right?" she asked as she walked down the stairs.

"No," he croaked painfully.

"Dada, where's Mama?" Abigail asked, tugging his sleeves. Her eyes were misty with tears.

Heather covered her mouth with her hands when she made the connection.

Abigail wailed when Grissom ignored her question.

It had been so long since Grissom felt the sharp pain at the back of his head.

* * *

Before you pelt me with any rotten eggs, please remember that there's two sides of the coins.

Please type your thoughts in the little box below.


	2. A Bad Start

**I Never Told You.**

CHAPTER 2: A Bad Start

Thanks for all the reviews and comments left behind.

They were deeply appreciated and please do keep them coming!

* * *

Grissom was usually a calm person and he had the ability to deal with the worst situation without losing his temper. Though, there were times when he snapped but it was never because of children. He loved children as they were always wore a bright smile on their faces and their eyes sparkled with innocence.

He had always been very patient with them and he was proud to say that he had never raised his voice at them.

He broke his record today. He lost his temper and patience. He shouted.

The worst was it was directed towards his daughter.

"STOP CRYING. CAN YOU JUST STOP CRYING? YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE!" He shouted angrily when Abigail could not stop crying for Sara regardless how Heather and he tried to pacify her. They exhausted all means, from candies, soft toys to cooing but to no avail. Abigail could not stop her cries.

As soon as the angry words left his mouth, he regretted it as he saw the fears in Abigail's misty eyes.

"You bad. I hate you." Abigail shouted and ran to hide at a corner of the room. She squeezed the caterpillar plushy tightly as if it was her only lifeline and continued to cry. The caterpillar plushy was a gift from Sara for her birthday last year. The rainbow colored caterpillar caught her eyes when Sara took her to Walmart to shop for groceries.

"Abigail, I am sorry." Grissom apologized. He reached out for her, wanting to pull her into his embrace. He wanted to comfort her and sooth away her fears.

Abigail buried her head into the plushy and swatted Grissom's away. "Hate you." She sniffled.

Heather threw Grissom a dirty stare and signaled him to step away with her hand before taking the empty space beside Abigail.

"Hey, Abigail, does your Mama called you Abby?" Heather asked gently, her voice a smooth melodious tone. Abigail ignored her and continued to cry for Sara.

"Abigail, do you like dogs?" Heather asked, and scooted nearer to Abigail. Heather placed her hand on Abigail's back and when Abigail did not reject her touch, she rubbed her back affectionately. "Do you like dogs?" Heather repeated her question. This time round Abigail answered with a small nod of her head.

"We have a dog, named Hank. Do you want to meet him?"

Abigail nodded again.

"We can meet Hank but you have to promise to stop crying." Heather smiled. She motioned for Grissom to pass her some tissues. Grissom did it silently and slowly, not wanting to startle Abigail, as she seemed to have just calmed down. Abigail accepted the tissues from Heather and used it to wipe her face, and blow her nose.

Heather whistled for Hank who came running into the room, wagging its tail vigorously. Hank thought that it was time for a walk. As soon as he entered the room, he was attracted to the small girl sitting at a corner of the room. He walked slowly towards Abigail and lay down in front of her. He placed its head softly on Abigail's lap. He whined for Sara when he saw some hints of Sara in Abigail.

Abigail placed her small palm on Hank's head. "I know you…" Abigail remembered seeing Hank's picture in Sara's iPhone. She felt safe instantly and her eyelids began to droop. She was tired from the crying episode but she did not want to sleep. She wanted to wait for her Mama. She believed that her Mama would come back for her.

She shook her head, wanting to stay awake but it did not help. Eventually she lost her battle with sleepiness and slept on Hank's stomach.

"Do you want to carry her to Allison's room?" Heather asked softly.

Grissom found himself shaking his head despite he had every intentions to carry Abigail to the room.

"I will be in the study." He said, and stalked off to the study room.

He poured himself a glass of whiskey and gulped it down in one go. He winced painfully as the alcohol burned his throat but he welcomed the burning sensation. He poured himself some more whiskey and drank half of it.

"Whiskey does not help with your migraine." Heather said, and took away the glass of whiskey from his hold.

"Hank is with Abigail. He refused to leave her bedside. He slept with her on the bed. " Heather told Grissom before he had a chance to ask about Abigail.

"Hank did better than me. I am such a failure," he let out a dejected sigh, grabbed the glass of whiskey from Heather, and gulped it down before she had a chance to stop him.

"Grissom. You were shocked. You did not mean to shout at Abigail. And, you should not be drinking but instead should be finding out what happened." Heather reproached.

Truth was he afraid of what really happened. The Sara he knew would never abandon her daughter unless something serious or drastic happened. Sara knew firsthand what the physical and emotional scars of an abandoned child would suffer from were. Sara told him once that she grew up in a volatile environment and she was so terrified of making mistakes, as she was afraid her foster family would abandon her. The worst was having no self-worthiness at all, as she always put other's needs before her. She was so insecure that she did not say no when her first boyfriend in high school asked her to perform oral sex on him. She agreed to do that because she wanted validations. Neither did she reject when asked for sex. She did it because she wanted to feel loved and validated but instead she felt dirty. She told him that if she ever had a child, she would never abandon her child because she did not want her child to be insecure. She would use her life to love her child.

"Heather. I am scared. Something happened to Sara. She will never do this to Abigail." He confessed his fears. He bit his bottom lips so hard that unpleasant coppery taste of blood spread in his mouth.

"Grissom, I am here with you. We will be able to find Sara." Heather comforted.

* * *

Thanks, again.

blu3crush.


	3. Sara's Journal (I)

**I Never Told You.**

CHAPTER 3: Sara's Journal (I)

I know there's a few questions about Sara's whereabouts. She's coming up soon, I promised.

There are some mentions of abuse.

* * *

"I found this in Abigail's bag. It was in her bag, along with her birth certificate, medical records and some insurance policies." Heather placed a thick journal on Grissom's desk. Heather gave him a small smile before walking out the study, leaving him alone with Sara's journal. She understood his need of privacy to read Sara's inner thoughts.

Grissom did not know if he should open Sara's journal and read it. It was Sara's most private thoughts.

"Sara, what happened to you?"

Uncertainty and fear gripped Grissom's heart.

After struggling for a very long while, he finally flipped to the first entry and began reading.

**_November 2007_**

_Blood. _

_Why was there blood in between my legs? _

_Why did my stomach hurt so much? _

_The flight attendant gasped in horror when they saw me. _

_I could only hear them calling my name as my world turned black. _

_When I woke up, I saw the blinding lights and white ceiling. For a moment, I thought I was in heaven. _

_Then, I laughed. How could I be in heaven when there were so many ghosts surrounding me?_

_Doctors hovered over me. I realized I was in hospital. _

_I'm scared. I never liked hospital. In fact, I hated it. _

_Hospital was where I went when I was hurt or in pain. _

_When Dad was in a foul mood, he would take the wooden paddle and hit me. When I didn't cry, he would hit harder. He wanted me to scream in pains. I refused to cry or scream. I hated to be weak. I did not want to satisfy him. It angered him. That was when the worst torture started. _

_Dad would pull me to his bedroom. Mum begged him not to, hugging his leg. Dad would just kick her aside. _

_He slammed bedroom door shut. He tied me to the bed. He sneered._

_Mum banged hard on the door, screaming. _

_Dad lit a cigarette and took a huge puff. He blew the smoke on me and I coughed. _

_"Weak!" he shouted and gave me a slap on the face. The slap stung and I could not control the tears that slid down. _

_He pressed the cigarette onto my right inner thigh. He was laughing when I cried loudly. He repeated the action to my left inner thigh. I screamed for help. I screamed for Mum. _

_"Pathetic. I hated you. Sluts. Your mum and you are sluts." He rained blows down on my face repeatedly._

_He reached for the bottle of beer on the bedside. There was always beer on the bedside. Mum made sure of it. He polished it off. _

_"Slut likes it rough," he forced my legs open and positioned the neck of the bottle near my vagina. _

_I remembered screwing my eyes shut and prepared for the worst. _

_I saw Dad did that to Mum once. It was raining and I am scared of thunders. Thunders were roaring. I tiptoed to my parent's bedroom. The door was wide open. Mum was in pains when the bottle entered her. _

_Shouting in pains was normal in my household but the way Mum shouted was terrifying. I have never heard her screamed like this before. _

_I knew it was going to be very painful and I prepared for the worst. _

_The bottle never entered me. _

_It was my Dad's turn to scream. _

_The bloodcurdling screams scared me. _

_Then I smelled blood. _

_Mum was in hysterics. She stabbed Dad a few more times, ensuring that he was dead._

_"Sorry, Sara," Mum apologized._

_"Don't ever be like me. Be a good Mum. Marry someone who loves and cherishes you." She stroked my head with her bloodstained hands and then collapsed beside me. _

_I remembered the social worker. I remembered how I clung onto her when she sent me to the hospital. I refused to let her hands go._

_The doctors fussed over me, giving me pitiful stares. _

_I was the kid whose Dad was stabbed. _

_One of the nurses shook me gently. It brought me back to the present. _

_"What's your name?" one of the nurses asked. _

_"Sara Sidle." I answered painfully. My throat was dry._

_"Are you aware that you are pregnant?" _

_Pregnant? Me? _

_It could not be. There is no way I would be pregnant. _

_Gil wore condom whenever we had sex. _

_My head was going to explode when I shook my head. _

_"You're 5 weeks pregnant, Miss Sidle." _

_"It can't be." I still refused to believe I was pregnant. _

_I cannot be pregnant. _

_It was only after they hooked me the machine and the image of the embryo appeared on the screen that I truly believed I was pregnant. The heartbeat was so faint. _

_Dr. Emma told me that I was lucky that my baby survived. _

_My hands instinctively went to my stomach to caress it. _

_I wanted to go back to Gil now. _

_I wanted to share this great news with him. _

_But… _

_I was not sure of how he would react. _

_We have never discussed about kids before. It seemed that he did not want kids of his own. He was afraid of his genes. I was also afraid of my messed up genes. I am the girl whose mother was a murderer. _

_The general consensus when we were having sex was contraception._

_Perhaps, he just did not want to have kids with me. _

_I am just too messed up and I am not ready to go back to Vegas now. _

_Death was taunting. _

_Hannah West was taunting too. _

_Natalie Davis was too. _

_I can't deal with Vegas now. _

_Sorry, Gil, for keeping this a secret. _

_I needed some times before I can tell you about our child. _

_I love you, Gil. I really do. _

_I just needed some times._

**_December 2007_**

_I almost wanted to tell Gil when he called but he sounded so… tired… and stressed. _

_Warrick became the chief suspect of another mob related murder. _

_Warrick was addicted to pills. _

_Warrick went back to gambling again. He found Warrick in casinos. _

_Warrick wasn't coping well. _

_I could hear the blame in his voice. _

_It was as if he blamed me for Warrick's downward spiral. _

_He blamed me for leaving the team. _

_I tried to convince myself that he was just tired. _

_He did not mean to be so callous and cold. _

_He hung up without saying 'I love you'. _

_He was never a man of affection but he started saying 'I love you' to me every night after Natalie Davis's attempt to kill me. _

_I felt a void in my heart. _

_I felt a cramp in my stomach. _

_I gulped and whispered to my baby. "Dada is just tired. We will tell him another day." _

_The cramp went away. _

_I heaved a sigh of relief. _

_Every cramp scared me. _

_I came so close to losing our baby. _

_I had already fallen in love with our baby. _

_I did not think that I could survive if our baby is gone. _

_Our baby is my only lifeline to sanity, and survival. _

_Dr. Emma was concerned about my weight. _

_She said I should eat more. _

_I tried to eat more but the food refused to stay in my body. _

_I spent more times in the toilet than in my bedroom. _

_I fainted again in the library. This was the second time this month. _

_Dr. Emma frowned when she came to look at me. She put me on drip for malnutrition. _

_I wanted to eat but… I can't._

_The food just refused to stay in me. _

_I am worried about Warrick. _

_I am worried about the team. _

_Most importantly, I am worried about Gil. _

_He did not call me since the last phone call when he did not say 'I love you.' _

_I wanted so much to call him and tell him how afraid I was. _

_I was all alone on the hospital bed on a drip. _

_But, I am afraid of his distantness._

_He had a lot on his plate now._

_Warrick needed his full attention._

_The lab needed him_

_We could wait._

_Baby, we could wait. _

It was too painful for Grissom to continue reading Sara's journal. He felt like a jerk.

He did not mean to be so cruel to Sara. He knew exactly why she needed to leave but he did blame her for leaving.

If only he knew, he could have gone to her in a heartbeat.

* * *

I enjoy writing this, and I hope you enjoy this reading too.

I just updated Serenity. If you are interested, please head over to read.

I hope you would write your thoughts in the little comment box below.


	4. Hank, the dog

**I Never Told You.**

CHAPTER 4: Hank, the dog.

I must have been crazy… I have been posting… I guess when I am stressed or unhappy, I write. It helped somehow. I am sorry if I flooded your mailbox.

Serenity's updated yesterday and I created another fiction for CSIFO challenge. Well, I hope I can complete the challenge in time. =P

Hope you enjoy. Thanks. :)

xoxo,  
blu3crush

* * *

Abigail Grissom was startled awake when she heard rustling of the trees.

Abigail knew that a huge storm was coming.

If there were something Abigail was afraid of, it was probably heavy rain with loud claps of thunders and flashes of lightning.

Thunders rattled her. She hated lightning too. They were scary.

Her Mama was also afraid of thunderstorm. They would cuddle together with Mr. Rainbow, the caterpillar plush Mama gave her, when it rained back at their home.

Mama would soothe away all her tears and fears. Mama would tickle the side of her waist. Giggles erupted from her mouth whenever her Mama did that.

Abigail Grissom loves her Mama.

Her Mama loves her too, doesn't she?

Abigail Grissom wasn't so sure now. If her Mama loves her, she would never abandon her at the porch of some strangers.

She was wiping tears away from her face when the first clap of thunder roared through the night.

Hank, the dog, rushed to her side once he noticed her anxiety. Hank licked her face with fervor but it did not help her.

She was shivering with fears.

She hated the new place, new room and new bed.

The woman with long, dark auburn hair seemed kind. She rubbed her back the way Mama always did but she was not her Mama.

The man with white hair was mean. He shouted at her. But, Mama told her that he was her Dada.

If he were her Dada, why was he so mean?

He was definitely not Dada.

Mama described Dada as someone who was kind, patience and loving.

The man who shouted at her was none of the above.

Abigail sniffled sadly, as she hugged Hank tightly.

"Where's Mama?" she asked Hank.

Hank's whimpers were sorrowful as if he understood Abigail.

Hank missed Sara. All he could do was to comfort the little girl who resembled Sara with his presence on the bed. He nuzzled his nose on the side of the little girl's waist.

Abigail squirmed away but she giggled.

Hank seemingly put on a proud smile on his face as the little girl cackled. Hank decided to treat this little girl as his young mistress. He would love and protect this little girl.

The storm had finally come to a stop.

Abigail drifted off to a restless sleep whimpering for her Mama. Hank placed his head on her stomach protectively.

The next morning, Grissom took a deep breath before opening the door slightly. He padded into the room gently, not wanting to scare Abigail.

His heart wrenched in pains when he saw the tear streaks on Abigail's face.

One of Hank's ears lifted up when he heard the familiar footsteps of his master. He opened his eyes and growled at his master.

Grissom took a few steps back, put his finger on his lips, and hissed, "Shhh."

Hank stared at his master angrily. He sat up on the bed, baring his teeth. His stance showed that he was ready to tackle Grissom if Grissom did anything to hurt the little girl he vowed to protect last night.

"One night, and you forgot that I am your master," Grissom mused. He moved a few steps back until Hank was satisfied with the distance between Grissom and Abigail. Hank dropped back down on the bed and placed his paw on Abigail's little hand.

Grissom sat down on one of Allison's play chair, watching intently at his dog and daughter.

"I miss Sara," Grissom sighed.

Hank's ears lifted again at the mention of his beloved mistress's name. He howled softly.

Hank's black orbs bore right through Grissom. He seemed to ask Grissom where's Sara.

"I don't know where Sara is now," Grissom answered Hank's question.

Hank buried his head into the blankets Abigail kicked away.

"But, I will find her and bring her back to us," Grissom closed his eyes for a moment. Grissom hated to make empty promises but he had to find Sara and bring her back to their life.

Grissom sat on the little chair, watching the two sleeping forms. The rise and fall of Abigail's small frame comforted him. The corners of his mouth tugged upwards when he realized Sara and he made a beautiful girl.

They never talked about having a child.

The reasons being he was too old, their working hours did not allow them the luxury of having a child. There was the problem with his genes too. He was afraid that their next generation would be plagued with hearing problems. He did not want to subject them to the same situation he encountered. Unable to hear was very frightening.

He was relieved to find out from Abigail's medical records that she is healthy. Her hearing is perfect too. She is in the pink of healthy except for the occasional flu and fever.

He stretched and his bones cracked painfully, especially his knees. His knees had been hurting since last night's heavy rain. Arthritis was an old friend of his. It came visiting when rain approached. He let out an anguished yelp when tried to straighten his legs.

As soon as the yelp left his mouth, he regretted it as Abigail stirred on the bed.

Hank growled at him again.

Her eyes slowly fluttered open.

Abigail screamed when she found herself not in her usual bed and Mama was not beside her. She was in a foreign environment and it scared her.

Then a puddle of water formed beneath her.

She jumped out of the bed when she realized she had wet the bed.

"I didn't want to do that." She sobbed and pointed to the wet bed.

Hiding behind Hank, she repeated her apologies.

"Don't scold me," she begged. Last night memories of Grissom shouting at her flooded her mind. She was terrified.

Her hands tightened around Hank's neck.

Her whole body trembled with terrors. Her brilliant blue eyes dulled.

"It's okay. We can change the bedding. Don't worry," Grissom ensured and closed the distance between Abigail and him.

He squatted down to Abigail's level and gave her the most friendly, and fatherly smile he could muster.

"I'm sorry for shouting at you last night." Grissom apologized.

"Can I pick you up? You need to wash up." He asked. He did not want to pick her up without her permission. He wanted to bridge a trust between them.

Abigail's cries subsided and she stared at the man with white hair squatting before her.

"Mama…I… want… Mama…" Abigail said in between hiccups.

"Can I pick you up to the bathroom?" Grissom repeated his question, maintaining a calming tone.

"Hank could come too, if you want?" Grissom said.

Abigail slowly extended her hands towards Grissom, giving him the permission to carry her. Mama told her that he's a good man and she trusted Mama with her life.

Grissom's heavy heart lifted a little when Abigail extended her hands towards him. It was a good sign to him.

He picked up his little girl. Abigail's legs wrapped around his torso tightly and her hands enveloped his neck. Her head buried into the crook of his neck.

He whistled for Hank to the bathroom.

Hank hesitated and swallowed. He hated the bathroom. He did not particularly enjoy bathing. He stood rooted to the ground. He refused to move.

The little girl's frantic cries beckoned him to the bathroom, albeit reluctantly.

But, he was a dog of words. He promised to protect the little girl and he would do that.

Tail between his legs and he ran to the bathroom.

* * *

_**TBC...**_


	5. Sara's Journal (II)

**I Never Told You.**

CHAPTER 5: Sara's Journal (II)

Let us delved into Sara's thoughts and the reason why she did not turn up for Warrick's funeral.

Take care,  
blu3crush.

* * *

Grissom set Abigail in Allison's old playpen with her favorite caterpillar plushy and some of Allison's old toys after bathing her. Grissom waited for Abigail to settle in the playpen before stepping out of the room. He wanted to continue with Sara's journal in the study room.

"Dada… Dada…" Abigail whined for Grissom when she realized Grissom was no longer in the room. The feeling of abandonment came creeping back. It scared her. Tons of questions and uncertainty was swirling in her mind.

Did she misbehave? Did Dada hate her because she wet the bed? Where's Hank? Where's the kind lady? Where's Dada? Where's Mama?

Abigail clutched her plushy tightly in her hands and sobbed.

"Abigail?" Grissom scurried back to the room when he heard Abigail's cries.

"Dada…" Abigail's eyes were wild with fears and uncertainties. She threw her arms up, wanting Grissom to carry her.

"What's wrong?" Grissom asked, and scooped her up into his embrace.

"Not… alone…" Abigail said in between hiccups. Grissom's heart clenched painfully realizing what he had done. He should never leave Abigail alone in the room not right after she was left all alone at the porch.

"It's okay, Abigail." Grissom soothed, and stoke her' back. His paternal instincts came naturally. He had thought that he would be awkward with Abigail, but the truth was he had fallen in love with the little girl when he opened the doors. She reminded him of Sara. Although Abigail had his eyes and chin, but she also had Sara's cheekbones and smile. Like Sara, Abigail also had a little gap between her two front teeth.

Grissom carried Abigail into the study and set her down on the office chair that was too huge and overwhelming for Abigail. Abigail accepted Grissom's pencils and white papers. She sat on the chair quietly and began to draw doodles on the papers.

Occasionally, she would cast a fugitive glance towards Grissom's side. She was observing if Grissom was happy with her behavior. She was still afraid that if she misbehaved, she would be thrown out of the house. Grissom was not oblivious to Abigail's glances; he would always meet her glance with a smile to calm her nerves.

When Abigail was contended that Grissom was not angry with her, she began to fill the white papers with doodles and swirls.

Grissom took out Sara's journal and flipped to the page where he stopped last night.

**_January 2008_**

_The nausea and morning sickness finally stopped and food could finally stay in my body. _

_However, it seemed that my little one is picky when it came to food. I read from some books that a woman's appetite might change drastically when she's pregnant but I did not expect that my little one craved for meat. _

_I craved for warm chicken soup. To be specific, I craved for Betty's homemade chicken soup. _

_Betty was rather unhappy to learn that I am a vegetarian I remembered the look on her face when I pushed the plate of steak and the bowl of chicken soup away. She was enraged that I seemed to be ungrateful. She had taken the day off to prepare the dinner for Gil and me. She signed animatedly to Gil. Her signing was too fast and I could not catch on what she was trying to say. _

_Before coming over for dinner, I have picked up some simple ASL to communicate with Betty. That was all I could do. _

_When their conversation ended, Betty folded her arms across her chest, seething. _

_Gil slumped back in the chair and gave me a bitter smile. Betty stood up and went into the kitchen. _

_"She's getting you some salad. I am sorry. I forgot to tell her you're a vegetarian." Gil apologized and gave my hands a squeeze._

_It hurt when Gil told me that he had forgotten to tell his Mum about my choice of diet. It just seemed that I was never his top priority. _

_I was the last when it came to his priorities in his life. Sometimes, not most of the times, I suspected that Lady Heather might rank in front of me. Like how he went to her on a hunch. They shared a connection that I was jealous of. Their connection was sensual and sexual. Lady Heather was the only woman who can match Gil at mental chess. I couldn't. _

_For most of the times, I could not figure what was on Gil's mind. He guarded his thoughts and feelings when he was with me but he was free with his thoughts and feelings with Lady Heather._

_I always wondered if he had not suspected Lady Heather of murder after spending the night with her, perhaps it would Lady Heather who was sitting in the dining room with Gil and Betty. _

_Betty would have like Lady Heather. As much as I did not want to admit but Lady Heather was poised, elegant and attractive._

_She would definitely do better than I would. She could definitely please Betty. _

_Betty returned with a bowl of green salad and placed in front of me grudgingly. _

_It was a bad start to our relationship and I wanted it to turn better. _

_I did something I would never do._

_I took the bowl of chicken soup and drank it tentatively. I just wanted to please Betty. _

_If I were not a vegetarian, I would love the soup. _

_But, my guts were churning when I forced the soup down._

_Betty seemed satisfied. Gil looked thankful. He rested his palms on my thigh._

_I think I did well. _

_But I was miserable. _

**_February 2008_**

_I went for my 16 weeks ultrasound scan._

_I stared at the monitor intently when Dr. Emma glided the sonogram wand across my small belly. _

_I just could not believe that the little one in my stomach now had little arms and legs. I devoured every single pregnancy book I could lay my hands on and I knew that this stage, my little one would have arms and legs but it was still enthralling to look at the monitor. _

_Dr. Emma said that the baby was healthy and she was pleased with my weight. I have put on a few pounds since Jan. _

_She had a cheeky smile on when she asked if I wanted to find out the gender of my baby. _

_I was struggling within when she asked if I wanted to know the gender._

_I still did not tell Gil about our baby. He did not call me since last December. I did not have the courage to call him. I feared that he might snap at me. I did not want to subject our baby to the negativity. _

_I nodded. _

_Finding out the gender of our baby would be a great conservation starter. _

_"A Girl." Dr. Emma announced with a bright smile. _

_I finally plucked up the courage to call Grissom. _

_I have rehearsed umpteen of times in front of the mirror this afternoon after I returned from the clinic. _

_I was going to tell him that we are having a baby girl and I am willing to move back to Las Vegas for him. _

_I would never uproot him. Warrick, Nick, Greg and even Catherine needed him in the lab. I could never be selfish to ask him to move away for our girl and me. _

_The call was connected within 3 rings. _

_He sounded so tired over the phone. His voice was hoarse and his nose was stuffy too. _

_He said he just recovered from a bad bout of cold and flu. The flu virus had infected everyone on the graveyard shift. _

_He rambled regarding his court case, how Maddie insisted that he was the only one who could do the job and how tired he was. He was feeling burn out. Warrick was withdrawn from him. Greg was blaming him for my departure. Brass was worried about me. Catherine was nosing into his private life. Hank was missing me and had taken over my side of the bed. _

_I listened on without interrupting. _

_I have always liked Gil's voice. I especially liked it when he recited Shakespeare's sonnet to me. His voice had a calming effect on me. _

_All my rehearsal in front of the mirror had been in vain._

_Gil was snoring softly over the phone when he was done with talking. _

_Baby Girl, we could tell him next time. _

_Dada will know about you soon, I promised. _

**_May 2008_**

_The news of Warrick death flashed across the television._

_I choked back a sob when I saw the news. Warrick's face was plastered all over the television. _

_I booked the first flight back to Las Vegas. I just wanted to be by Gil's side now._

_He needed someone to hold him and comfort him. _

_Warrick was like a son to Gil. Gil loved Warrick. _

_I maneuvered around my small apartment with great dexterity despite my expanding, rotund belly, to pack my bag. _

_My baby girl kicked me in my ribs. It was as if she was afraid and she could sense my anxiety. _

_I slowed down and took a few deep breaths to calm down. _

_My hands went to my stomach and caressed it slowly._

_I did not like it when I was in the cab. The cab driver seemed to be high. _

_He was spewing incoherently. His eyes were glazed. He was laughing shrilly._

_This was a bad idea. I screamed at him to pull over but he didn't listen. He stepped on the accelerator and zipped zapped in the traffic. _

_The next moment, I was flung over to the other side of the seat. _

_The whole world went black. _

_Dr, Emma was angry with me. She ordered me to strict bed rest. She asked me if there were any emergency contact, she could call if she needed someone to make a decision. She left when I told her no. No one could come down for me now. They were all dealing with Warrick's death. _

_Although Dr. Emma managed to stop the bleeding but my baby was very unstable now. _

_The worst was uncertainty… not knowing if I were to suffer a miscarriage. _

_Waiting was painful too. _

_Being scared was frightening. _

_I dared not moved at all. I am afraid a small movement and the life in my stomach for so long would ebb away. _

_Gil…I need you as much as you need me. _

_"Sara… please… I need you." Gil pleaded. He was sobbing when he called. _

_"Honey… please…Warrick's dead." _

_I told him no. _

_I told him I am not good at dealing with death. _

_I told him that he is on his own. _

_It tore at my heart when he hung up. _

_I could not tell him about our baby, not knowing if she's going to survive. _

_I let the tears flow freely as I mourned for Warrick. _

_I grieved for the loss of Gil's love. _

_Baby, I need you. Please… stay with me. _

**TBC**

* * *

There'll be Sara next…  
Hope you enjoy this and do let me know how you feel so far.

Have a happy Sunday!


	6. Regrets

**I Never Told You.**

CHAPTER 6: Regrets

This chapter is quite long (ps, by my standards) and appreciates that you would take some times to leave me a comment. It keeps me going and updating!

_As promised, Sara would make a quick appearance at the end of the chapter. _

Have a great week ahead! Take care!

* * *

Grissom pinched the bridge of his nose out of habit whenever he felt an awful migraine was building at the back of his head. It was the type of migraine he had when he burned out a few years ago and causing him to take a sabbatical to teach a class at Williams College.

He swallowed painfully and screwed his eyes shut. Beads of cold sweat trickled down his forehead. He took a few deep breaths, hoping that it would relief him of the migraine. When it did not help, he laid his head on the headrest. He felt tears rolling down his cheeks. His heart clenched painfully when he thought of Sara suffering alone, facing fears with no one to turn to.

He had so many regrets now.

If he had known Sara's predicament, he would have flown to her.

If he had put his pride aside and contacted Sara after Warrick's funeral, things would have been different.

If he had not blamed her for Warrick's downfall, she would have the chance to tell him about their child.

If he had paid attention to her, they would be raising Abigail together.

If he had not told her that he preferred and loved women who were independent and not clingy, she would not put on a strong façade for him.

He regretted telling her what type of women attracted him when she asked at the beginning of the relationship.

He told her he loved women who were intelligent, strong and independent. He very much preferred women who could understand his needs to be obsessed with his career, his bugs and be alone sometimes.

Thus, Sara became the woman he would have loved. She kept her emotions in checked. She kept her feelings to herself. The only time she cried after they got together was when the six showgirls died. She left him alone when he needed his time off. She stayed away when he was building the miniature of his office. She gave him the space he needed. She made him happy but she ignored her needs. She gave and he received.

Even after Natalie's abduction, she never wanted to show him her vulnerability. How he wished he had told her that it was okay to be weak in front of him but he did not. His Sara was a tough cookie and only she could walk out of the darkness and the ghosts haunting her.

He felt her slipping away and he proposed. She accepted without a second thought. He was shocked when she readily agreed to his less than romantic proposal and without a ring. That night he left work early and brought Sara to the log cabin he bought a few years ago to celebrate. The place was secluded and no one would disturb them. He laid a blanket on the soft ground. It overlooked the magnificent lake. They both lay there watching the twinkling stars. The stars seemed brighter in the suburbs with no artificial lights interfering.

Sara looked particularly beautiful with the moonbeams shining down at her face. He could not resist and his hands wandered to her face, stroking it gently. She smiled at him when his hands went under her tank top and sought for her breasts. He grinned when he realized she did not wear a bra. He caressed the curve of her breasts and rubbed the peaks of breasts. She moaned and her nipples turned taut.

"Take me, Gil. Make me yours again. Please don't hold back." She begged and her hands went down south. She fondled his erection thorough his slacks. He let out a rumble that he could not recognize and divested all of her clothing off. She lay there naked before his eyes. He kissed every scar Natalie inflicted gently.

He gently parted her legs and let his long finger delved deep into her core. She arched into him.

"Don't tease, please." She thrust herself against his finger.

They had not made love since Sara discharged. He was afraid that he might hurt her. He avoided her in the bedroom for the past few weeks. He cited he was too tired when she asked him to make love to her. He knew that his rejection made her feel unwanted.

All he wanted to do was to make up to her.

He kissed her on the lips and curled his finger inside her, rubbing the sensitive spot. He lowered his head to her left nipple and nibbled. Sara's left nipple was one of her erogenous zone. He licked, nibbled and sucked. It drew a sharp breath from Sara and she hissed.

He felt her body clamping onto his finger and she shuddered. Her essence fully coated his finger and he brought his finger to her mouth where she sucked his finger in. Then he kissed her, tasting her sweet essence.

She wrapped her long, slender legs around his waist. Placing his palms on either side of her head, he whispered I love you before thrusting deeply into Sara. He felt completed and he did not notice the dullness and the deadness in Sara's eyes.

It was the only night where they forgot about contraception. It was the night where he fully given himself to her.

The mind-blowing orgasm left both of them panting. She refused to relinquish him from her body. She refused to let him roll off and pressed his body against her.

"I love you so much, Gil." She whispered.

"I love you too, Sara." He planted a feathery kiss to her forehead.

He realized that their Abigail was conceived the night when they had forgotten about contraception.

"Dada…" he cracked his eyes open when Abigail tugged his sleeves.

He beamed at his little girl. He carried her up and placed her on his lap. He stroked her silky brown locks. Abigail's hair felt so soft and smooth. It reminded him of Sara's hair. He remembered how much he loved to run his hands in her locks.

Abigail sat on his lap stiffly as Grissom stroked her hair. She was still wary about this white haired man. Last night he was so fierce and this morning, his attitude took 180 degrees turn. She did not know if she could trust him but she felt that a connection with him despite his temper.

Noticing Abigail's discomfort, Grissom stopped stroking her hair. He sighed sadly. He knew that he had rattled his little girl with his screaming last night.

"What have you been drawing?" Grissom asked, and took the drawings that lay messily on the table.

He marveled at Abigail's drawing. They were pretty detailed for a four years old girl.

She was doodling initially. Circles and lines filled the white paper. Then it changed. She began to draw beach. The sand was colored in beige. The blue sky filled with big fluffy white clouds. In the drawing, there were three people.

He recognized the smaller figure as Abigail. She had drawn herself with two ponytails at either side of her face. She was smiling brightly. Her hands were holding onto Sara. Sara hair was all tied up into a high ponytail and she had her sunglasses perched on top of her head. Abigail had captured Sara vividly. She had included Sara's slight gap in between her two front teeth and the long scar she got when she cut herself when she struggled to get out of the red mustang.

"Who's this man?" Grissom found himself asking. The man in the drawing resembled someone he knew.

Abigail looked at him and flashed a grin. "Grandpapa Jim."

"Damn it," Grissom cursed loudly.

Abigail whimpered and jumped down from Grissom's lap. She hid herself under the table and cried.

Her cries attracted Hank into study. Hank glared at Grissom before ducking under the table to comfort Abigail.

* * *

Brass stopped outside of the ward, drawing a few deep breaths knocking on the door.

He hoped that today was a good day for Sara. He wished that she had responded well to the treatment.

There were good days and bad days. Good days were when Sara could sit on her bed and chat with him. Bad days were when Sara lay on the bed, moaning painfully, refusing the morphine shot. She did not want to be dependent on them. She wanted to stay lucid. She preferred her mind to be clear.

There were more bad days than good days.

It pained him seeing the strong Sara in such great pains and he could do nothing to help her.

He knocked and waited for Sara's respond.

"Come in," Sara answered. Relief flooded his body when he heard the energetic answer.

He plastered a smile on his face before entering her ward. "Hi, Kiddo, how're you feeling?" He gave her this affectionate nickname when she came to Las Vegas. The team did not warm up to her as she was invited by Grissom to investigate on Warrick.

They, especially Catherine, treated her as an outcast. Grissom unaware of the hostility between Sara and his team just left Sara alone to cope.

He invited her out for breakfast one day after a difficult shift for her. She accepted the breakfast invitation gratefully. After a few breakfasts and dinners, Sara and he shared a father-daughter like relationship. He enjoyed spending time with Sara. It took his mind off his estranged daughter, Ellie.

She nodded and smiled, "it's a good day. I did not vomit and did not feel feverish."

"How's Ellie?" Sara asked. She knew that Brass visited Ellie in prison today prior coming over.

"She's fine… I guess." Brass sighed, and his shoulders drooped.

"She's coping." Brass poured a glass of water for Sara when he saw how chapped her lips were.

"What about you? Are you coping?"

Brass found himself shaking his head, "I retired to spend more time with Ellie, Kiddo. I guessed I am coping."

"Brass…" Sara was shocked. She took a good look at Brass and realized Brass had aged tremendously. His lines had deepened. He no longer had a happy disposition.

Sara reached out his hands and gave it a tight squeeze.

When she let his hands go, Brass reached into his suit breast pocket and produced a check.

"This is for you." He passed the check over.

Sara's eyes widen as she counted the zeros. "What is this for?" she gave the check back.

"You needed the money for your treatment. I knew that you had set aside a huge portion of money for Abby, leaving very little for your own treatment. The money you left barely covered your treatment." Brass pressed the check onto Sara's hands.

"I have medical insurance." Sara refused to accept Brass's kindness. "This is your money for retirement."

"Bullshit. Your medical insurance was not renewed because of your illness. Sara. Don't be stubborn. Take it. Use it. Abby needs you. I don't need so much money. I rather see it to be put into good use. Besides, you have to repay me when you are well." He smiled.

"I can't. I just can't." She shook her head.

"Have you ever spared a thought for Abby? Just because of your pride, you refused to accept this check from me where you could use it for your medical treatment. You have a good chance of survival. Put this money to good use. Get well for Abby." Brass folded his arms across his chest.

Sara choked back a sob when Brass mentioned Abby.

She missed her Abby so much. It ate her up when she had to drop Abby at Grissom's porch. She did not want Abby to see her in such a frail state. She did not want Abby to be in foster care in the event if she died, thus she dropped Abby off with Grissom and Lady Heather. She knew that Brass would have stepped in but she wanted Abby to know about Grissom as her father. She kept Abby away from Grissom for almost 5 years and Abby always asked where her Dada was and why Dada never came for any of her school events.

"Sara, I am sure Grissom would take good care of Abby." Brass assured her.

"I hope so. I hope that he would not hate Abby because of me. Grissom hates me… for leaving… for causing Warrick's downfall and ultimate death… for not coming when he needed me the most…" Sara cried.

Brass pulled her into an embrace, and rubbed her back soothingly. He did not stop her from crying, instead, he let her let her pains out through crying.

He placed her gently back onto the bed when she was done crying. She passed out from exhaustion.

"I hope Grissom would come finding for you after reading your journal." He had added Sara's journal into Abby's pink bag when he packed Abby's luggage. He knew that Sara had poured her heart into the journal.

Her journal was lying on the tabletop and she was bathing Abby. He could not resist and read a few entries. From those entries, he determined that despite Grissom seeking comfort in Lady Heather, Sara had never stopped loving Grissom.

He just hoped that Grissom was not too late this time.

Before he left the ward, he placed the check into Sara's new journal.

"Get well soon, Kiddo."

* * *

Don't you think Brass is a good friend?

Currently Sara's in San Francisco, and Brass went over there to visit her.

There will be an altercation between Brass and Grissom when Brass returned to Las Vegas.

:)


	7. Sara's Journal (III)

**I Never Told You.**

CHAPTER 5: Sara's Journal (III)

A/N: Apologies, when writing Sara's journal, I have put the wrong year. It should be year 2007 and 2008 respectively for the previous chapter. I have corrected it and updated the chapters. And, in Feb 2008, Sara went for her 16 week scan instead of her 18 week. The timeline is more correct. I have tried to follow the CSI Season 8 timeline as close as possible but I will not be following it for Season 9 if there is any reference to Season 9 episodes. :)

Sara was pregnant in late October 2007, and she was 25 weeks pregnant when she was in the cab.

I don't know if anyone interested in the timeline but I tried to make it as accurate as possible but however I might missed out some details. Do let me know if there were any discrepancies if I missed out.

This chapter dealt with Sara's thoughts. Do let me know if you enjoy reading Sara's thoughts. :) I, myself, enjoy writing it. I will be addressing Grissom and Heather's relationship too. It's not what you had think.

* * *

_June 2008_

_In the past, I would not have given two hoots about strict bed rest._

_I hopped out of the bed when my leg casts came off after the abduction. Resting on the bed made me vulnerable and weak. I didn't like that. I like to be in control of my life. I didn't want anyone to help or fuss over me. Especially, I didn't want Gil to see my weak side. I wanted to show him that I was not a fragile doll. I wanted him to know that despite what had happened I am still the strong-willed Sara Sidle. I didn't break because of a near-death experience._

_But now, I abided to the strict bed rest order. My breathings were shallow and slow. _

_I was afraid that any action from me, however small, could potentially cause a miscarriage. _

_Dr. Emma was less than optimistic about my baby girl's condition._

_My baby girl's stats were not showing any signs of improvement. _

_She might have to induce me for an earlier labor but that was her last resort. She had hoped that I could go beyond the 32 weeks mark. The longer my baby is inside of me, the better her chances of survival will be._

_God, please let my baby girl survive. Don't punish her because of me._

_I was getting hopeful when Dr. Emma smiled at me encouragingly after the ultrasound. _

_The baby's stats were showing slight improvement. _

_I let out a sigh of relief and allowed myself to relax a little. _

_I had been so tensed for the past three weeks. _

_Then it hit me. The pain hit me_

_The bed was wet. _

_My water had broken. I remembered screaming for the nurses and Dr. Emma who just left my ward. _

_Dr. Emma ran back to my ward and barked out orders. _

_Dr. Emma's face was ashen. _

_I was given tocolytics to delay my labor so that I could complete the course of steroids. _

_Dr. Emma asked if she could call any one if there were any need for medical decision. _

_I cried and shook my head painfully. _

_I thought of Brass... who had been a kindred spirit to me since I came to Las Vegas._

_But… I could not put him up to such difficult decisions. He would be torn between saving my baby girl or me. _

_I told Dr. Emma to save my little girl if there were any complications that might arise during the delivery. _

_I gave her a letter and told her that if I died on the surgery table, please contact the person in the letter. _

_I wrote Gil's contact on the letter._

_She sighed but accepted the letter and my decision. _

_I didn't want my little girl to be the custody of the state. I didn't want her to be foster care. _

_I know first handedly how entering into foster care system affects a child. _

_It was bleak. _

_Just when you thought that, the foster parents would accept you into their family then, the social worker would come and ask you to pack._

_The foster parents always painted a pretty picture that it wasn't your fault that they had to give you up. It was always their fault. They could not handle too many children. They could not focus on all the children's needs._

_I could not bear sending my baby girl into foster care. _

_Tocolytics helped. I managed to finish the course of steroids. _

_I was sent into the operation theatre. _

_I cringed when the anesthesiologist inserted the needle into my spine. _

_I could not remember how the cesarean went. _

_My eyes were focused on the whitewashed ceiling. _

_I listened intently for any sign of wailing but there was none. _

_Then I heard some slapping sounds and it followed with a loud wail. _

_My whole body went lax when I knew that my baby girl was delivered and she cried._

_She did not die in my womb. _

_My baby girl was put into my arms. _

_Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I held her. _

_She is so light. She is so small. _

_I apologized for not keeping her safe during the pregnancy. _

_She looked so beautiful despite she was all covered with blood and wrinkled like a prune. _

_Before I could count her fingers and toes, she was whisked away from me._

_I only got the chance to see my baby girl the next day. _

_She was in the incubator. _

_She is fighting for her life. Her breathing is strong. _

_My baby girl's a fighter. _

_I placed my hands into the incubator and stroked her body. _

_Dr. Emma said that constant physical contact with the baby could help. It helped to sooth the baby. _

_Gil… do you know that you're a father now?_

_Do you know that our baby girl takes after you?_

_Do you want to know about her?_

_Do you want to hold her?_

_Do you want to name her?_

_Will you love her like how you love Warrick?_

_Will you accept her… and me in your life again?_

_I hope so, Gil. _

_Gil. Please wait for us. _

_We're coming home. _

**_August 2008_**

_Abigail – The father's joy. _

_Abigail Grissom. _

_I hoped that my Abby would be her father's joy. _

_Abby smiled when I whispered her name near her ears. _

_She seemed to be in love with her name. _

_I wanted Gil to name her but I had to file her birth certificate. _

_I finally plucked up the courage to call Gil. _

_I called Gil twice after Abby was born but his cell was off on both occasion. _

_I wanted him to know that we have a beautiful daughter. I wanted him to know that we're coming back to him. _

_I didn't want to contact the team first because Gil had the right to be the first one to know about Abby. _

_I didn't want him to learn about Abby from the team._

_Once Abby is cleared to fly, I am going to book the first ticket back to Las Vegas. _

_Suddenly Las Vegas didn't seem so bleak anymore._

_I could not work as a CSI anymore but I could take up a teaching role in UNLV. _

_It was always darkest before dawn. _

_The darkest period had passed. _

_I am positive that everything would work out for us. _

_Gil… give us two more weeks, and we're coming back. _

**_September 2008_**

_Dr. Peter finally gave the clearance for Abby to fly. _

_He was satisfied with Abby's overall wellbeing. Abby's lungs were in good health. Her eyes responded well to the light shone. _

_Other than being born prematurely, my Abby is healthy. _

_She squealed with delight when I kissed her abdomen and told her that we're going back to our home._

_Home is where Gil is. _

_Abby was really well behaved on the plane. I heard horror stories about how infant behaved when the plane took off and landed._

_The flight attendants were all smiles and told me that I have a good baby. I beamed with pride. _

_Abby had been a relatively easy baby. _

_She did not cry except when she's hungry or her diaper is wet. _

_I have heard that some babies would wake up several times a night for feeding but she slept through the night. _

_I was so worried when she did not wake up for her feeds. I consulted Dr. Peter about this and he just chuckled. _

_He told me that I am lucky to have an easy baby. _

_I am lucky that Abby was born._

_I would not have mind if Abby was colicky or she screamed through the night. _

_But I am glad that she is an easy baby. _

_The plane finally touched down. _

_Abby woke up and greeted me with a huge smile. _

_I told her that today we would reunite with Dada. _

_She smiled. _

_I smiled. _

_I drove to the townhouse as soon as I got the rented car. _

_Abby seemed to notice my disappointment when his Denali was not in his usual parking spot. _

_I did not want to show up in the lab with Abby._

_I wanted to introduce Abby to Gil privately. _

_I drove to the lab with trepidations. I hoped Gil had pulled a double and will be leaving the lab soon. _

_Then I could introduce Abby to Gil privately. _

_I spotted Gil's Denali as he was pulling out from the parking lot._

_I followed his car and fear settled in my heart when I realized that the route he took was going back to the townhouse. _

_It was the route to… Lady Heather's house. _

_It was all too familiar. _

_I remembered I followed him there once when he received the second miniature. He was so frustrated with the miniature killer. Natalie Davis kept Gil on his toes. The killing haunted him. _

_I remembered he sought comfort in Lady Heather's arms. _

_He did not return to the townhouse that night. _

_He was evasive when I questioned about his whereabouts. _

_He was angry that I questioned him and bellowed that he had his freedom to do anything he deemed fit. _

_I was taken about by his outburst. _

_I was hurt and I stopped questioning him. _

_Lady Heather was obviously a taboo. _

_I learned not to ask questions about Lady Heather. _

_I learned not to ask why he went to Lady Heather when she was an active and prime suspect in the investigation of a murder. _

_I learned to step away when he could not give me his full attention. _

_I learned not to grumble or complain when he was all focused on Lady Heather._

_It stung when I learned that Lady Heather held a much special place in his heart than me. _

_My eyes were misty with tears. _

_His car stopped. _

_Lady Heather was standing at her porch, her arms folded across her chest, waiting for Grissom. _

_He went to her and pulled her into his embrace. _

_I watched as he kissed her on her lips. _

_Her hands went around his body and caressed the small of his back. _

_His hands slipped under her satin robe. _

_It was at that moment I wished that Nick and Sofia did not spot me in the desert. _

_I wished I had died in the desert. _

_Abby wailed. _

_And, I wailed too. _

_I wished my heart could stop functioning. _

_I could not bear watching them anymore. _

_I drove straight to the airport. _

_I wanted to return to San Francisco to lick my wounds. _

_Abby was crying the whole journey when I drove to the airport. _

_"Abby… it's now just you and me." _

_Abby stopped crying and looked at me with her blue eyes. _

_Her eyes… they reminded me of Gil… _

_The tears sprang forth._

_I stopped at the road shoulder to pick Abby up. _

_I clutched her tightly to my chest. _

_Her little hand reached out for hair and tugged. _

_We cried together. _

* * *

Hi Delita0204, First and foremost, how're you? Hope you're doing fine. :) I can say that Grissom's kind of selfish in the earlier days but he did give up his career to go be with Sara. It's just that the writers now don't know how to deal with GSR. I don't understand why they want to 'fix' Sara's marriage with Grissom. It's one of the worst fix I have ever seen. Just hope that they will be able to get them back soon, especially this might be their last season.

Thanks all for reading! Don't forget to leave a review. Do let me know your thoughts!


	8. Pains

**I Never Told You.**

A/N: Say Uncle (CSI S09E06) was shown on November 2008 but I had move up the timeline for Season 9. It's been a month plus since I updated this, I hope you still remember this story and still enjoy it. Thank you so much!

CHAPTER 8: Pains

* * *

September 2008

Grissom closed Park's case file with a heavy heart. In his entire career, he had never regretted solving a case until Park. He regretted solving Park's case. Park's life was filled with suffering the day he was born. Kora, Park's mother, had never cared for Park in her life. She allowed Park to partake a clinical trial for money. She ignored the anguish Park went through. He could never understand how a mother could subject her child to such pains.

His heart felt for Park. This was the first time he allowed his emotions to rule over his rationality.

"Hey, are you okay? You looked awful." Brass said, entering Grissom's office despite the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the doorknob. He was never one who observed such rules.

"I'm fine." Grissom answered, and stashed Park's case file under a pile of manila folders.

"Funny, that's a typical Sara's answer whenever we asked about her wellbeing. How's Sara? I was unable to contact her for the last few months. I am worried about her. She did not come for Warrick's funeral. That's just strange. Warrick and Sara shared a close relationship. There's no way Sara would have missed it." Brass said as he took the seat opposite of Grissom.

"Warrick's news was plastered all over the news broadcast for a few days. Unless she is not in USA or she is at somewhere remote, there is no way she would have missed the news." Brass wore a worried look on his face. He was not surprised when Sara left Las Vegas. He noticed her burnout signs and the West sibling case was a huge blow to her. He let out a sad sigh. He could have done more for Sara but he stayed away because he knew that Sara needed Grissom more than him. He regretted his decision now. He should have kept a lookout for Sara and not relied on Grissom solely.

Sara. That name brought a bout of agonizing aches to his heart. He hated how vindictive she was. He begged her to come back to Vegas for Warrick's funeral. She rejected him callously, disregarding his cries for help and his need for her to be with him. He thought Sara understood the bond Warrick and he had shared and would have known how Warrick's death would have distressed him.

"I don't know where she was." That was what Grissom could offer. He kept his eyes on his door, hoping that Brass would get his hint and leave him alone. He certainly did not need Brass to remind him of Sara.

Brass's brows furrowed deeply together. He was annoyed with Grissom's nonchalance attitude. He actually shared Greg's resentment towards Grissom for Sara's departure. He had told him about Sara's burnout signs and yet he did nothing.

"Where's Sara?" Brass pressed again. Sara had stopped responding to his weekly emails and both Nick and Greg were unable to get a hold of her too. They were worried about Sara. Nick and Greg were reluctant to ask Grissom about Sara as Grissom was snappy these months. Greg refused to talk to Grissom outside of work matters.

"Look, Jim, I am tired and I am not in the mood to discuss about Sara. If you want to know where she is, why don't you call her and ask her about it? Sara and I were done." Grissom snapped. He stood up abruptly. "Close the door when you leave." He slipped his jacket on and walked out of his office.

"Gil. What do you mean Sara and you were done?" Brass was stunned with Grissom's revelation. Sara told him that Grissom had proposed a few months ago and she had accepted it. He thought they were just taking a break and eventually they would reunite.

"Sara refused to come for Warrick's funeral regardless of how I begged her. So, we were done." Grissom swallowed the lump in his throat. His admission that Sara and he were done broke his heart. He was absolute that he could never love again and his heart was broken beyond repair.

"Where are you going?" Brass asked.

"I don't know. I am going to take a few weeks off from work. Tell Catherine she's in charge." Grissom said. He was truthful when he said he did not know where he was going. Everywhere reminded him of Sara. There was no safe hiding place from Sara. He once could seek solace at work but now every corner reminded him of Sara. He could not even go to the cabin.

Tears rolled down his cheeks when he entered his car. He berated himself for crying. He hated himself for allowing Sara to enter his heart. By allowing Sara access to his heart, she had the ability to rip it into shreds. He trusted her not to do that nonetheless she did. She trampled on his heart. He was all consumed with her departure that he could not focus on Warrick. He had indirectly caused Warrick's death and it was all Sara's fault. She took away his focus and objectivity.

"Damn you, Sara!" he banged his head on the steering wheel repeatedly. Blood trickled down from his forehead. He looked at the rearview mirror. He saw a ghost and it frightened him. He could not see the calm and resilient Grissom anymore. All he saw a broken old man.

"Where could I go now?" Grissom asked his reflection. He stared at his reflection and suddenly laughed.

"How could you answer me when I don't even have an answer to that question?"

He rested his head on the steering wheel. He screwed his eyes shut, and hoping that the numbing pain that spread across his head would stop. Then a name popped into his head.

"Heather."

Heather's place is the only place he knew that was devoid of Sara. He took his cellphone and dialed Heather's number.

Grissom blinked away his tears when Heather told him she was expecting him and she would be waiting for him at the manor.

He gripped the steering wheel tightly and stepped on the accelerator. When he exited from the parking lot, he turned for the highway leading to Heather's manor. He failed to notice the silver Prius that was following his car the whole time.

* * *

Grissom checked his appearance before exiting his car. He was grateful towards Heather who was waiting for him in the porch.

Heather gasped when she saw Grissom. He was pale and he had aged. The blissful demeanor he spotted a year ago was gone. Her hands reached for the nasty bruise at Grissom's forehead. Grissom groaned. His hands went around Heather waist and pulled her close to him. He welcomed the warm. He lowered his head and claimed Heather lips as his. Heather's hands instinctively went around him and stroked the small of his back.

Grissom slipped his hand under Heather's satin robe and fondled her breasts.

"Stop." Heather pushed Grissom away. Grissom refused to let Heather go.

"Grissom, I am saying STOP." Heather repeated her safe word.

Grissom slipped his hands out of Heather's robe and cried. He dropped down onto the stairs and buried his head onto his hands. He let the tears he had been keeping in for the last few months out.

Heather took the empty space beside him and wrapped her arms around him. She said nothing, knowing that no words could comfort Grissom now. All she could do now was to give him her support.

The sobbing finally subsided. Grissom looked up, feeling embarrassed for breaking down in front of Heather. Heather smiled at him warmly and offered her hands.

"Let's go in. It's getting a little chilly."

Grissom took the proffered hands and stood up. "Thank you." He mumbled softly.

Heather led Grissom into the guestroom she prepared for him after Warrick's death. She knew that Grissom would approach her at some point of the time especially after Sara did not turn up for Warrick's funeral.

"The pajamas were new. I bought it the other day. I hope it fits." Heather said, noticing Grissom's puzzling looks on the pajamas that were laid on the bed. She bought the set of pajamas for Grissom when she knew that Grissom would come to her.

"I will be in the courtyard. We could talk there after you have taken a shower." Heather patted Grissom's shoulder. Grissom nodded with gratitude.

While waiting for Grissom, Heather brewed a pot of Chamomile tea and warmed some pastries. She took the tray full of food and the first aid kit to the courtyard.

* * *

Grissom closed the bathroom door behind him, shed all of his clothes and dropped them into the laundry basket. He stepped into the hot shower and relished the hot water that was pouring down his body. He winced painfully when he touched the bruise near his forehead.

His muscles felt sore, as he had been tensed for the past few days. Park's case had taken its toll on him. He could not forget the hopelessness Park had in his eyes when he was taken away.

Suddenly, he felt his world spinning. He quickly leaned against the wall for support. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He repeated the actions until he felt stable.

He stepped out of the shower, knowing that the hot steam would do nothing to aid his throbbing head. He dressed quickly. He reached out the razor blade at the counter top. He touched his beard. He stopped shaving after Sara was gone. Whenever he was in his bathroom, the scene where Sara helped him to shave would play out in his mind.

He had trusted her intimately yet she betrayed his trust.

"Bye Sara." He realized in order to move on with his life, he had to lock Sara away.

He worked the razor blade around his face nimbly and he smiled at his clean-shaven reflection when he was done.

* * *

"You look better after a shower, and you shaved." Heather commented when Grissom walked into the courtyard. She poured him a cup of tea, which Grissom accepted gratefully.

"I felt better now." Grissom sipped the tea.

"Where's Sara?" Heather asked directly.

"She's gone." Grissom set down the cup of tea and took a puff from the plate.

Heather frowned. "What do you mean she's gone?"

"She left Las Vegas…" Grissom paused, "and me."

"We broke up." Grissom said simply after Heater failed to comprehend his meaning. Heather reached out for Grissom's hand and gave it a firm squeeze.

"Did Sara initiate the breakup?"

Grissom shook his head. "No. Neither of us did. It was an unspoken agreement when she refused to come back for Warrick's funeral."

"Heather, the reason why I came here was because this place does not remind of Sara. I wished that we could stop the Sara's topic." Grissom sighed, withdrawing his hands from Heather's hold.

"You could stay for as long as you want." Heather offered. That was the least she could do for Grissom. Grissom had been her pillar of support when she was on a downward spiral after Zoe's death and he brought Allison into her life.

Grissom just nodded his head.

"Can you sleep with me tonight? I don't want to be alone tonight." Grissom asked. It was an innocent proposition. All he needed tonight was Heather's company. He suffered from insomniac after Sara left. Whenever he succumbed to the darkness, a nightmare would jolt him awake. The nightmare always revolved around Sara. It was always the same dream where Sara died in the desert. They could not find her in time. Sara would be floating in the desert and blaming him for his incompetence. He could only sleep peacefully when Sara was discharged from the hospital. He could only fall asleep if he had Sara in his embrace. After Sara left, he could not sleep and was afraid of sleep.

"Yes," Heather agreed. She could not say no to a vulnerable Grissom who looked like a lost puppy.

"Let's go. You look like you're badly in need of some rest."

Heather led Grissom to the guest bedroom. They lay on the bed, with Grissom wrapping his hands around Heather firmly.

"Warrick was like a son to me. I miss him so much." Grissom mumbled into Heather's ears. Heather drew delicate patterns on Grissom chest. "Warrick will always be in your heart and he would not want you to grieve for him in such an agonizing way."

"I still miss him… and her…"

"I love her. It hurt when she said she could not come. I needed her." Grissom groaned miserably.

Grissom finally drifted into a sleep but he did not let Heather go.

"Sara... where are you when I needed you the most," he murmured softly.

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A/N: Please remember to leave your thoughts. I hope GSR fans are still out there. Lately, I realized there are lesser GSR fictions and TPTB seemed to stop addressing GSR. I hope they could address it soon and resolved it.


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